1.) The Fear of Leaving Ass Prints on the Floor
Sweat drips from every pore of your body, and the instant your skin makes contact with the floor, you leave your mark. You're too self-conscious to ever sit anywhere, lest you leave a giant ass stamp where you collapsed after dying a little doing Fight Gone Bad in 106-degree heat. Get used to standing, moron.
Occasionally, you'll run into the athlete who's brave enough to sit wherever they damn well please, and they're just all:
2.) Using the John After Someone Unleashed
It's a daily occurrence. Someone at crossfit has to take a dipsy doodle; so they excuse themselves and sneak into the bathroom unnoticed. Shortly after their departure, you use the same bathroom. You're almost asphyxiated. You pee the fastest pee you've ever peed, and you get out. Unfortunately, there's someone waiting to use it right after you.
They look at you. You look at them. You both smell it. They think you're the culprit. You want to rise to the defense. But the more you defend yourself, the guiltier you look. You legitimately want to say, "Look, I know it smells like shit it there, but it was actually the person before me." Don't bother. You might as well lie and take credit for it now. Spare what little dignity you have left. How sad.
3.) Clothes That Never Quite Fit Right
Is anyone really comfortable when they're working out? Is there such a thing as shorts that DON'T ride up every inch of your crack? Pants that don't give you a muffin top? Sports bras that hold in your side boob? Sure, they exist--just like the Tooth Fairy.
4.) Not Wanting to Reveal What You Ate That Day
You're envious of the people who follow super strict diets and survive off of wood chips and arugula. If anyone asks what you had for lunch, you casually describe the watercress salad and shot of wheatgrass you purchased from Whole Foods. Nobody ever has to know that you gorged yourself on half a pizza--although that pizza had pineapple on it, thank you very much.
5.) Wondering What Your Butt Looks Like to the People Behind You
You're trying to deadlift 250 pounds. Enough said. Get a spot in the back row. Against the wall. On the other side of the gym.
-- The NoMA
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