What CrossFit and Weightlifting Taught Me in 2014

At the end of 2013, I wrote this slightly dramatic but still thoughtful post in my other blog about what the year had taught me. I figured I'd follow up with Part II and a few things I've learned from CrossFit and lifting in 2014. I know you're waiting on the edge of your seat, so here it is:

#1 You'll have a two-week span where you add ten pounds to your clean. Wahoo! The week immediately following, you'll suck harder than you've ever sucked before. Everyone goes through their slumps. 

#2 Whatever method you think you've perfected for avoiding wedgies, no.

#3 Farting doing GHD sit-ups: Don't judge. 

#4 You're super lucky when your gym friends become your gym family.

Post by CrossFit Max Effort.

Post by Sherry Matheny.

Labor Day WOD!

#5 You're super duper lucky when your partner shows up to every competition to cheer you on (and you even compete together)! Double bonus!

Kingman CrossFit Barbell Mayhem

Post by Kingman CrossFit.

#6 Another reason you're friggin' lucky as heck? Your amazing coaches regularly point out your awesomeness, just to be encouraging. (Go, Brit!) 

Post by CrossFit Max Effort.

#7 Now's a good time to stop arguing with the haters. You're too busy backsquatting 300 pounds anyway.

#8 Passing out face down on the floor after a grueling WOD absolutely counts as a really long burpee. 

#9 You lift a lot. You gained some weight. Don't panic. More muscle = more PRs! Yeah!

#10 On that note, it's ok to eat more, because your body might need it, and healthy comes in different shapes and sizes.  

What did this year teach you?

- The NoMA

8 Ways to Use the Word "CrossFit"

CrossFit: It's not an activity; it's a lifestyle. It's also a language all its own. You know it's true: You and your CrossFit buddies have your own version of CrossFenglish that non-CrossFitters might not engage with.

1.) CrossFat

The feeling one experiences due to a lack of CrossFit.

2.) CrossFitty

When one feels like CrossFitting, but maybe just a little bit. (See also: CrossFittish)

Not to be confused with CrossFiddy:

Photo from Wikipedia

3.) CrossShit

A pre- and post-WOD sensation many athletes experience due to anxiety, heavy breathing, too much jumping, and/or trying to hold in a CrossFart for the duration of the workout.

4.) CrossTwit/CrossIdiot

A derogatory name given to athletes by anti-CrossFitters who most undoubtedly also do things like wear fanny packs when they work out.

5.) CrossSpit

An involuntary side effect of heavy lifting, particularly cleans.

Photo from Pinterest

6.) FitCross

A group of religious persons with a love of high-intensity workouts.

7.) CrossFitFam

The group of persons you become close friends with while cultivating muscles and becoming sweaty.

8.) CrossSplit

The exact moment the seam down the back of your pants rips due to a deep squat and an unconventionally rotund posterior.

Photo from Pinterest

Can you think of anything I'm missing?  Tweet me.  Facebook me.  Let's be best friends.

-- The NoMA

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5 Things Only CrossFitters Understand

1.) The Fear of Leaving Ass Prints on the Floor

Sweat drips from every pore of your body, and the instant your skin makes contact with the floor, you leave your mark. You're too self-conscious to ever sit anywhere, lest you leave a giant ass stamp where you collapsed after dying a little doing Fight Gone Bad in 106-degree heat.  Get used to standing, moron.

Occasionally, you'll run into the athlete who's brave enough to sit wherever they damn well please, and they're just all:

Photo from Pinterest

2.) Using the John After Someone Unleashed

It's a daily occurrence.  Someone at crossfit has to take a dipsy doodle; so they excuse themselves and sneak into the bathroom unnoticed.  Shortly after their departure, you use the same bathroom.  You're almost asphyxiated.  You pee the fastest pee you've ever peed, and you get out.  Unfortunately, there's someone waiting to use it right after you.

They look at you.  You look at them.  You both smell it.  They think you're the culprit.  You want to rise to the defense.  But the more you defend yourself, the guiltier you look.  You legitimately want to say, "Look, I know it smells like shit it there, but it was actually the person before me."  Don't bother.  You might as well lie and take credit for it now.  Spare what little dignity you have left.  How sad.

Photo from Pinterest

3.) Clothes That Never Quite Fit Right

Is anyone really comfortable when they're working out?  Is there such a thing as shorts that DON'T ride up every inch of your crack?  Pants that don't give you a muffin top?  Sports bras that hold in your side boob?  Sure, they exist--just like the Tooth Fairy.

Photo from Pinterest

4.) Not Wanting to Reveal What You Ate That Day

You're envious of the people who follow super strict diets and survive off of wood chips and arugula.  If anyone asks what you had for lunch, you casually describe the watercress salad and shot of wheatgrass you purchased from Whole Foods.  Nobody ever has to know that you gorged yourself on half a pizza--although that pizza had pineapple on it, thank you very much.

Photo from Pinterest

5.) Wondering What Your Butt Looks Like to the People Behind You

You're trying to deadlift 250 pounds.  Enough said.  Get a spot in the back row.  Against the wall.  On the other side of the gym.  

Photo from Pinterest

-- The NoMA

CrossFit Competitions Still Give Me Anxiety, and 8 More Things I Learned This Weekend

This weekend, I headed back to lovely Kingman, Arizona for another CrossFit competition held by Kingman CrossFit. They do not disappoint--welcoming crowd and great programming. As was the case the last time I joined them, I left the event Saturday starving, sticky, and having learned so many new things.

1.) Bring your own chalk. 

This kind of chalk:

Liquid Grip from Rogue Fitness.  Rub this between your hands, and that stuff isn't going anywhere.  I personally wouldn't rely on this solely, but it comes in handy when the nearest bucket of chalk is across the room laughing at you because you're too far away to use it.

2.) Know when to sprint and when to slow the eff down.

I climb a flight of stairs and I'm ready to take a nap.  So that 1000-meter row this weekend?  For me, slow and steady won the race, with the exception of the last 300 meters, when I moved what I consider fast...which is most people's warm-up.  The 90-second farmer's carry was another story entirely--the perfect time to speed the heck up, even though I still walked slower than an old man with a knee replacement.

3.) Think you're at an unfair disadvantage during a workout? Don't be afraid to speak up -- respectfully.

During the last event, my already-sometimes-humiliating double-unders stunk even worse because I didn't have enough room to do them.  I was either hitting the girls in front of and behind me, or I'd turn the other way and hit nearby equipment. 

I wanted to stop completely and request to go in another heat.  Instead, I kept on attempting to squeeze them in until giving up and standing there like Derpina McDerpinstein until I had the room I needed.  Pinhead, party of one?  Your table is ready. 

4.) The girl next to you doesn't look that strong?  You're an idiot.

She's not taking a break while you're in the middle of your second round.  She's already done.  Move faster, loser.  Why are you watching her anyway?

5.) Get it all on camera.

I finally started doing this, and I'm learning so much about all the things I stink at (and what I'm doing right).  It's not narcissistic.  It's educational.

When I post them on Instagram later on, THAT'S narcissistic. #gainz #crossfit #ilikewatchingmyselfoncamera #whodoesnt

6.) If you're thinking, "It won't be that hard," tee-hee.

That's cute.  Have fun barfing on a cactus later.

7.) They're not kidding when they say that every rep counts. 

Never stop moving.  It doesn't matter what happens.  You could have snot coming out of your nose the entire time (been there!) or your shirt could be halfway off (done that!).  Nobody cares.

That's a lie.  They care.  But you'll care more when you lost by two reps because you were too busy wiping a booger on your shoulder.

Post by Kingman CrossFit.

8.) Don't be a Bitter Betty when you lose.

This is my second CrossFit competition, and I had my bum handed to me both times.  Badly.  Frustrating?  Yah.  Does it say anything about the effort I put in?  Nope, because I know I did my best, and I know that the people I was up against were better than me, plain and simple--like my new pal Ashley.  She is full of muscles.

Post by Kingman CrossFit.

You learn a lot when you win.  You learn even more when you lose.  I should know.  I lose frequently.



-- The NoMA